Shockwaves were sent around the English Premier League in the early hours of this morning (AEDT) as the governing body delivered a hammer blow to the reigning champions short term future.
As a part of the guilty verdict, Pep Guardiola’s side have been handed a whopping 80 point deduction which will see them relegated to the Championship for season 2025/2026 in the biggest points deduction ever issued in EFL history.
This will come as a shock to many City fans, especially the recent converts who are not aware that before the billionaire ownership took over, City not only existed but battled relegation many times throughout their history.
Questions are already being asked about the City squad, with other Premier League clubs sniffing around players who may be searching for an exit, although we have it on good authority that nobody wants to go to Tottenham unless it’s a last resort.
It sounds like Guardiola is already making plans for his squad to undergo some significant changes in the summer transfer window though.
Based on the alleged budget cuts coming at City, you have to hope he signs some nice guys because there will be some crap footballers running around in Sky Blue for him.
As for the club’s recent success, that has been stricken from the history books as every English trophy City won since 2012 has been vacated.
But before fans of rival clubs such as Arsenal, Chelsea and especially Liverpool can start celebrating titles by default, there will be no supplemental honours awarded.
In a lengthy decision handed down by the 15 person panel, the commentary on City’s guilt was nothing short of scathing with some unprintable explanations included, even for outlets like The Sun.
Not only were City found guilty of each of the 115 charges levelled at them, another 104 were also added to the ledger, mostly relating to City’s bizarre financial records, kept by Cover Your Tracks Accounting, which should have been a giveaway.
Especially given the board of directors for that company all held roles at City’s training ground, with the nominated CEO Noel G. Liamson also working as the groundskeeper on alternating weeks.
Josko Barkiol was allegedly the club’s director of overseas scouting and served as CYTA’s Chief Technology Officer, while drawing a seven-figure sum from both companies.
An impressive feat considering he is a Great Dane and was last seen chasing Phil Foden and Jack Grealish around a tree in the carpark before stopping to defecate on Mateo Kovacic’s shoes (the dog defecated, not Foden and Grealish).
Allegedly he also bit one of the Premier League’s investigators (Grealish latched on but didn’t bite down).
Several other discrepancies were found in their records including the suggestion that Erling Haaland was being paid in a currency called “Humble Coin” with a salary of Pi Coins per week.
As the shockwaves settle across the league, the biggest cheers are now set to come from Ipswich or Leicester as one of them will now survive relegation with City sitting on -32 points with nine games to go.
Southampton won’t be celebrating though, they are still awful to watch, are definitely going down and you’ll see better football by the hungover guys playing at 11:00am on a Sunday at the local park with one assistant referee.
As the rest of the footballing world watches on in shock, one thing is certain – April Fools from Neds! (If that was not obvious by this stage).