The AFL Coach Commitment Index

The AFL Coach Commitment Index

GuyWhoLikesSport

During the pre-finals bye, the season takes a bit of a pause.

I think it’s a good time to have a look at how each club feels about their relationship with their coach.

A relationship with a coach is a lot like a celebrity relationship. They go through ups and downs like us normal folk, but it’s also in the public eye like those wealthy and hot folk who populate the pages of the tabloids.

In that vein, I’ll tier every club’s relationship with their coach by comparing it to a celebrity couple.

Note that I’m only doing 17 because we don’t know who the West Coast coach will be, we only know that it won’t be Jarrad Schofield.

Honeymoon phase – Travis Kelce and Taylor Swift

Sam Mitchell

Adam Kingsley

They’re going on tour together. The little ticks are cute rather than annoying.

They dragged their counterpart out of dark places, almost single handedly.

Taylor Swift was dating a skinny alcoholic before Travis. GWS finished 16th before Kingsley took over. When things are grim, they’re grim.

Mitchell and Kingsley, with their astonishingly quick rebuilds, are as ensconced in their honeymoon as Travis and Taylor were when Travis showed up at the eras tour in that hat.

Til death do us part, despite some scandal – Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively

John Longmire

Luke Beveridge

Chris Scott

Craig McRae

Here’s the thing about marriage.

It isn’t always perfect.

Ryan Reynolds is writing scenes for Blake Lively to win an Oscar for a crappy domestic violence movie which she’s promoting like it’s Sex and the City and Luke Beveridge dropped Bailey Dale in a career best year.

But these coaches and clubs, for the time being, are together because of love, shared success, and the knowledge that it’s not going to get better than this for a little while.

If you like it then you should have put a medal around it – Taylor Swift and Joe Alwyn

Chris Fagan

Ken Hinkley

I almost put Ken Hinkley in his own tier. Has any coach with a regular season winning percentage that is over 60% across an 11 year span every been under this much pressure?

They finished second this year.

If Port wins it all this year, what does Warren Tredrea do on the radio? Maybe a song?

Do you reckon Kochie will be happy if Ken wins the whole thing? Or will he be annoyed that he can’t sack him because of yet another successful season?

Is Ken sleeping with every board member’s daughter?

I don’t understand why every Port power broker and fan seems to hate him so much, despite all the winning.

I know he still hasn’t got the ultimate glory, and regular season success can only mean so much. But still. The level of hatred is insane, particularly given the gutter he dragged them from.

It’s just like Chris Fagan, who, if you discount his first two years at Brisbane where he was rebuilding the club, boasts a 70% record but also doesn’t have that success.

Having said all of that, if Joe Alwyn wanted to lock it down with Taylor after they were together for years, he should have proposed.

If either Ken or Chris want to keep the jobs that they have had for a long time, and been extremely successful in, they need to put a medal around it or risk being pushed out.

Back with and old flame – Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez (before divorce proceedings were filed)

Alastair Clarkson

Ross Lyon

Remember in Arrested Development when Tobias and Lindsay are talking about an open relationship?

It’s delusional to think that it would ever work for anybody, but it might work for them.

That’s what I felt about Bennifer 2.0. Even more so after JLo’s grammatically incomprehensible movie This Is Me…Now: The Movie.

That’s also what I feel about Ross and Clarko going back to their old clubs. While both have shown signs of development, particularly the Saints who played more expansive footy in the last month of the year, I can’t help but think that these relationships will end in ignominy.

It’ll be just like all celebrities who get back together with old flames.

Or bands who get back together with brothers they hate.

Now we have iPhones though so at least someone will probably film the Gallagher brothers yelling at each other.

Hoping success rubs off – Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson

Damien Hardwick

Brad Scott

Obviously, Damien Hardwick and his three flags has been a more successful coach than Brad Scott over his career. But Brad Scott has won four finals as a coach in the time that Essendon has been without a finals win.

Both of these clubs are, like Colin Jost, hoping that their more successful partner will have some of their success rub off on them.

However, Colin Jost’s last TV credit (other than SNL) was an episode of The Kardashians and both Gold Coast and Essendon missed finals.

Put simply, it’s not going well.

Why isn’t this better? – Sabrina Carpenter and Barry Keoghan

Michael Voss

Matthew Nicks

Simon Goodwin

Justin Longmuir

Everything should be good. Young, hot, ascending couple. Look great together when they get papped.

Why isn’t it better?

That’s how I feel about both Sabrina and Barry, who are now allegedly donezo, and each of these coaches.

Goodwin is possibly an exception because he has won a premiership, but with the list that he had at his disposal only making one grand final has to be considered a failure. That’s to say nothing of Melbourne’s culture, which is hilariously bad.

Just ask Christian Corp.

If Simon Goodwin was at that café in Hawthorn instead of Michael Voss, he probably would have jumped in the car with the thieves and asked if they had any bags. At the very least he would have punted on which one got away from Voss – the skinnier one was paying $1.30.

The other three don’t have a grand final, and only one even made the finals in 2024.

All have pretty good lists with real top end, superstar talent on them.

Melbourne has their constellation of stars, possibly minus Chef Petracca Corp.

Adelaide has Rankine and a Tippett/Tex Redux with Fogarty and Thilthorpe.

Carlton has Cripps, Curnow, McKay and the rest of the elite talent Michael Voss is a genius at wasting.

Longmuir has Serong, Young, Brayshaw, Ryan and ascending forwards like and Amiss.

These coaches have everything going for them.

And yet.

Who knows – Pete Davidson and whoever is next

Adem Yze

Both Davidson and Richmond bring size to the equation.

Other than that, nothing is certain when it comes to the veracity of either Davidson’s string of rebound “girlfriends” and Yze’s coaching chops.

Yze was dealt a raw hand with injuries, but I have serious doubts about how his game style fits into modern footy and especially the current Richmond list. However the list seems to be under renovation so maybe I should give him some time.

Anyway, this isn’t the column to air those doubts. In short, like Pete Davidson dating Emily Ratajkowski, I’m just not sure.

 

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