Have you been making a list?
Have you checked it twice?
I’m 29 now, so I want to move from a Dyson vacuum to a Shark. Maybe you have a more exciting list.
Maybe you’re an adult who games.
I understand that they exist.
The NFL is heading down the stretch too and seems like the Wildcard spots are going to come down to the wire in both the AFC and the NFC.
With that, the teams that are currently just out of the playoff picture could be relying on a Christmas gift to give them a boost over the last month of the season.
What would be on their lists?
For the first three teams currently out of the playoffs as we head into week 14, I’ll tell you.
Here is a Christmas wishlist for the teams that are in the hunt for a wildcard spot.
AFC
Houston Texans: An acceptable offensive line
Their offence has mostly been average, however with just a 42% offensive success rate in Stroud’s return. A lot of that, even with the improvements this season, is still driven by a bad offensive line.
Woody Marks has shown himself to be a fine player and Stroud has been a good under centre player action passer in his career already, especially when throwing to Nico Collins.
If they found a functional offensive line under the tree, you’d be able to ride this rocket ship to the moon.
Pittsburgh Steelers: A mass psychosis event where everyone is surprised by them doing the same stuff every week for 20 years.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Related: the Steelers have spent the list 15 years playing a lot of man coverage out of single high and three safety looks.
Nothing changes week to week in Pittsburgh and asking for it to would be like asking your parents for a horse for Christmas. It ain’t gonna happen.
Instead of that, let’s just brainwash the rest of the league so what they do is surprising and unbeatable.
Kansas City Chiefs: The entire defensive infrastructure taking the substance, but it working
Even though Patrick Mahomes clearly doesn’t want to get under centre and they have no running backs to hand the ball to unless you love watching Kareem Hunt, the Chiefs’ offence is playing well, sitting third in EPA/play.
This year, the Chiefs defence is a problem. They sit 21st in defensive EPA. Chris Jones is having his quietest year for years, defensive co-ordinator Steve Spagnuolo’s can’t fashion quarterback pressures out of thin air like he used to, with the Chiefs sitting 16th in pressure rate.
Generally, they can’t make any splash plays with just ten turnovers on the year.
It feels old and stale on the defensive side of the ball. If they could take some potion to make themselves young and hot again that would help!
NFC
Detroit Lions: A shaman who is particularly good at fixing sporting injuries
The last two years, the Lions have been ravaged by injuries. This year the biggest one has been Kerby Joseph who may never return to being the All-Pro that he was.
You add to that the fact that Detroit doesn’t move people like they used to in the run game, in large part because the interior of their offensive line has faded.
What’s the fix to that? Your old legendary centre, Frank Ragnow coming back?
That would work, right?
Wrong.
Physically the Lions are a mess. I think they’re beyond a physio and, frankly, western medicine.
Try a shaman.
Aaron Rodgers might know one.
It can’t make anything worse.
Dallas Cowboys: A cornerback who isn’t as consistently flustered as Old Gill.
Against all the odds, Jerry Jones has this defence functioning.
His hatred for, and subsequent trade of Micah Parsons has turned into dominant interior presences Quinnen Williams and Kenny Clark, while Osa Odighizuwa has continued to improve.
Since week 10, Williams’ first game with the Cowboys, they are top 7 in both rush EPA and success rate with their ass kickers up front.
However, they still really struggle to defend the pass when they don’t get a sack, sitting just 19th in defensive passing EPA.
Having a cheater like DaRon Bland at corner has them right occasionally and wrong often, which is why the Cowboys are fourth in net yards per attempt allowed.
Carolina Panthers: Just being normal
The Panthers this season have lost to the Cardinals, boat-raced the Falcons, lost to the Saints, beat the Packers, went life and death with the Jets, lost to the Saints, got trounced by the 49ers and beat the Super Bowl favourite Rams.
What?
Just be normal.
They have the shortest quarterback in the world, a freakishly tall wide receiver room, an astonishingly expensive offensive line, and their best running back is not the one that they extended last offseason.
Again, just be normal.
If they were normal, at 7-6 and with their schedule, they’d probably make the playoffs. But they’re not normal so they’ll probably lose to the Saints again but beat the Seahawks.