Neds Guide To Socially Acceptable Air Sports Moves

Neds Guide To Socially Acceptable Air Sports Moves

Liam Fogarty

Could’ve gone pro if you didn’t do your knee when you were 15? Play in a pub league on the weekend and need to inflate to your co-workers how you played? Or maybe you just stumbled across a long hallway?

Air sports moves are often part of our day to day lives more than you may realise.

For the average sports fans, mimicking what our favourite athletes do can be a powerful tool.

It can pass the time, it can improve a story, it can be used to alpha a lesser co-worker… but it can also make you look like an absolute knob.

Right place, right time is very important when using air sports moves – shadow boxing when you should be leaving a ball on length can sour a meeting and has been known to spoil punters’ chances of a second date.

Lucky for you readers, our social sporting scientists in the Neds Lab have spent countless hours researching the biomechanics of air sports moves and the social situations in which they may occur to bring you the Neds’ comprehensive guide to when and where air sports moves are socially acceptable.

Sidestep or “Goosey”

Origins: Rugby League/ Rugby Union

Practicality: 4/5

One of the most practical air sports moves in this report, the side step or “goosey” can be used to avoid walking into people or when you need a sudden burst of speed.

Maybe you’ve been on your phone and didn’t see you were about to walk into a co-worker, or your attempting to get out of an elevator and someone has broken the unwritten rule of letting everyone out before walking in.

A quick little side step like you used to do when you played school footy is a perfectly acceptable air sports move in this situation.

Side steps vary in extravagance however; the tamer mixed social touch side steps are often all that is required.

Punters should avoid a “Full Kalyn”.

Handball

Origins: AFL

Practicality: 2/5

Not the most versatile of air sports moves but definitely has a time and place.

Can be used in conversation when delegating your work to people you deem are beneath you in the office.

“Can I *Hand Ball* you that monthly report Champ?”

Starting a Chainsaw

Origins: Timbersports

Practicality: 1/5

Reserved for Blonde Australian Fast Bowlers named Brett who bowl 150+.

Drop Punt

Origins: AFL

Practicality: 1.5/5

Hard to integrate a drop punt or a grouse torp into every day conversation but a perfectly acceptable air sports move to pull out when on hold with an internet provider or when walking around the house alone.

Shadow Boxing

Origins: Boxing/ MMA

Practicality: 3/5

USER BEWARE! One of the most dangerous of all air sports moves.

The perfect move to perform after staring at yourself in the mirror for longer than you’re willing to admit but use sparingly in social & corporate environments.

Shadow boxing can be used to subtly intimidate and show everyone that you are the top dog but can also lead to you being alpha’d by superior blokes if not careful.

Shadow boxing another individual can also result in injury, avoid shadow boxing in conversation unless discussing a recent pay-per-view you watched or you are telling a story about your recent trip to Thailand.

Golf Swing

Origins: Golf

Practicality: 4/5

A great addition to most conversations but just like each club in your bag, there is a right swing for every occasion.

Drive for show and putt for dough is a really easy way to summarise how a golf swing can enhance a conversation.

Drivers and hybrid swings are reserved for louder more upbeat conversations, think party conversations or celebrations when watching sport.

Irons are a universal swing, perfect for the boardroom, the bedroom and even the courthouse.

Our scientists are yet to find a conversation that isn’t enhanced by a lovely approach to the green.

Putters are for the more solemn of conversations – being broken up with, losing your job and funerals are the perfect time to tap one in.

Just like on the course however, we want to avoid 3 putting.

 

Forward Defence/ Leaving

Origins: Cricket

Practicality: 4.75/5

The most versatile of air sports moves.

Defending a good delivery can be used on your own with just the back of your top hand or can be more full body if you have enough room.

Just like an Ashes spell from Mitchell Johnson, a solid two handed technique can be used to survive the most mundane and boring of conversations.

Follow it up with an extravagant leave and you’re on the way to building yourself an innings.

A good defence can unlock all areas of the ground and often you will find after a few “no runs” (calling optional but recommended) cover drives, cut shots and even a lofted pull shot may be a viable option during your conversation.

Bowling

Origin: Cricket

Practicality: 3/5

Perhaps one of the only mandatory air sports moves in this report.

Our scientists concluded that it is physically impossible not to roll the arm over in a long hallway, in fact our research found there isn’t a single hotel in Australia where a delivery hasn’t been bowled.

The type of delivery varies between each individual, and it seems that most punters change their bowling style for each deliver. Swapping from seam up to a form of spinning delivery seemingly at will. The space they have and how much effort their willing to put in also has a direct impact on the delivery a shadow bowler may send down.

Air bowling is also very versatile air sports move just for when you’re walking around, no one knows why we do it but it’s just fun.

Jumpshots & Post Moves

Origin: Basketball

Practicality: 3/5

A great conversation enhancer but it is often important to be aware of your surroundings before hitting a fadeaway or any sort of spin related post move especially when indoors.

It is proven scientific fact that shooters indeed shoot so if you have a nice J, let it fly.

If indoors, a free throw or a simple jab step is often enough to convey the message you are trying to get across.

If you’re really feeling it in the office, shooting your rubbish into a bin with a nice high elbow and great wrist snap is also a great move. Combining that with a loud shout of “Kobe” is a great way of showing the office that you get buckets.