Bizarre Events at the Games

Bizarre Events at the Games

James Caughlin

If Keegan Palmer can win gold for the Aussies skateboarding in Tokyo…

https://twitter.com/7olympics/status/1423133539403509760?s=20

Or Logan Martin brings hit home in BMX…

https://twitter.com/7olympics/status/1421671225072537601?s=20

Then Australia can win gold in breakdancing at Paris 2024!

That’s right, breakdancing will be in the Olympics in 2024 to try and draw in a younger viewership.

Firstly, we’re not offering breakdancing markets for Paris just yet, but I’m willing to (responsibly) part with some of my hard-earned for Aussie gold in the electric boogaloo discipline.

Before you go off saying what a joke this is, it’s worth remembering most of you thought skateboarding in the Olympics was a joke, then we won GOLD.

Besides, the games have a long and proud history for all sorts of weird and wonderful events.

They have to fill out 16 days of programming somehow, not to mention the early editions where it really was the wild west of event management.

In the 1904 Men’s marathon, the winner received rat poison and brandy as sustenance, another competitor nearly died from dust inhalation running behind officials cars and the guy who finished in fourth showed up on a whim, ran in street clothes and ate a rotten apple during the event.

Let’s run through some of the other genius ideas they have had to spice up the Olympics in the past.

Race Walking

It’s basically long distance running without actually being allowed to run.

At least doing an event like the marathon, you’re allowed to go as fast as you can, in race walking you have to follow all of these strange stepping guidelines.

Plus I’m still bitter about Jane Saville’s horrendous disqualification in 2000 (she was robbed in broad daylight!)

Club Swinging

Now we have things like baton twirling, rhythmic gymnastics and those people on the beach who light sticks on fire for this sort of showmanship.

In the St Louis 1904 Games, contestants had to twirl gigantic bowling pins in a flashy manner.

Now when you search for club swinging this is what you get… although on second thought it could be a lot worse.

Solo Synchronised Swimming

Who or what are you synchronising with?

When there’s multiple people doing some sort of choreographed routine it actually makes sense.

But one person in a whole lot of waterproof makeup flailing about in a pool like an extra on Jaws 7?

Not for me.

It lasted for three Summer Olympics in 1984, 1988 and 1992 before being replaced with a teams event.

https://twitter.com/Swim_England/status/1122104228812664832?s=20

Swimming Obstacle Course

“In this edition of ‘Wipeout!’ the contestants will be not only swimming 200m but also having to dodge some boats, climb over other boats and get through all sorts of other obstacles.”

Given some of the places that have hosted the Olympics, it’s probably a good thing this never made it past Paris 1900.

Perhaps it could be rebooted in the future as a different sort of obstacle course involving water.

Diving for Distance

Remember as a kid going to the friend’s house who had a pool & seeing who could hold their breath the longest?

A decent lung capacity could have earned you an Olympic Gold Medal at one point in time.

Tug of War

Another high point for the Paris 1900 organisers (and I use that descriptor very loosely) in that a combined team from Sweden and Denmark won the gold medal.

This event continued right through to 1920 with Great Britain still technically the defending Olympic champions in this event.

Now this is just a way to pass time in high school PE classes and college fraternities.

Rope Climbing

Another event that now is pretty much limited to high schools had a run in the gymnastics program in five Olympics.

Personally, running the marathon sounds like a much more appealing option than trying to climb the rope.

However, Rock Climbing at the games has been a sight to behold.

Pistol Duelling

Another one for the “how did this get approved?” file.

Before you get too excited, instead of firing at one another the contestants would apparently shoot at a mannequin instead.

Admittedly a much safer strategy but it does kind of lessen the stakes of the gold medal matchup.

It would be so much cooler to see them recreate this scene from The Man With The Golden Gun.

Live Pigeon Shooting

This one probably wouldn’t pass the initial suggestion box in 2020 but in Paris 1900 over 300 birds were shot over the course of the competition.

Donald Mackintosh, an Australian competing under the British flag, shot 22 pigeons to win the 20 franc entrance fee division.

Unsurprisingly this event was not brought back for the next Olympics and officially these are now considered as “excluded events” on the official records.

It’s a much cleaner process to shoot at the clay pigeons they now use instead of the live ones.

Of course, bringing back live pigeon shooting into the Olympics could lead to some interesting ways to settle rivalries between the competitors.

Wedding Crashers Comedy GIF - Find & Share on GIPHY

La Cane

Don’t bother translating this from French, this event literally is just two guys hitting each other with canes.

Think fencing but less stabby, more bruisy.

Once again, there is something to be learned for both events from James Bond.

https://twitter.com/tobysnews/status/1236326569385263104?s=20

Steeplechase

Running is tough enough, let alone hurdling.

Ask any runner what the worst thing that can happen and that is stepping into a puddle, yet this event requires it.

Not to mention the headaches when your jump goes wrong.

Dressage

Equestrian in and of itself is a worthy inclusion, but why on earth to the riders get all the credit when they just sit there and let the horse do all the damn work?!

Give the medals to the horses!