I saw Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey last night.
From a guy that didn’t like Oppenheimer and hasn’t loved a Nolan film since The Dark Knight, holy shit it was so good. Every story beat felt incredibly familiar but it was somehow fresh because of Nolan’s freakish ability to do kind of just enough re-imagining to make himself different. You saw it in the Batman trilogy just like you saw it in putting the Trojan Horse in the water rather than on wheels to make it seem more believable.
I don’t generally love his movies, but this one was so good.
As is my want I couldn’t help but relate it to the AFL this season which has, in a way, felt like our own personal Odyssey through ARC controversies, to amateurish timekeeping blunders, to changing draft rules without any lead time for clubs.
But it also applies on a character/club level. Who is every club as a character in Homer’s epic poem? Let’s find out. And to give myself a challenge, I get a two-sentence maximum to explain the comparison
- Fremantle – Odysseus: They’ve been away from the premiership for longer than Odysseus was away from Ithaca. This year feels like they’re about to come back and kill everyone before heading back to the unknown west.
- Sydney – Penelope: Just like Penelope can keep on unravelling her burial shroud every night, the Swans can keep on trying to handball their way through pressure. At some point, unless a miracle bails them out, it’s going to end soon.
- Hawthorn – Melantho: You can’t trust this bastard. They’ll chase your captain and then chase him again.
- Brisbane – The Trojan Horse: Don’t let them in. They might look like an offering from the Gods, but they’ll slit your throat and take away your humanity.
- Adelaide – Poseidon: Despite the Crows sitting pretty at third on the ladder and fourth in score differential over their last five, nobody is talking about them. Not a lot of people talk about Poseidon either, but he really did a number on Odysseus’ journey home.
- Melbourne – Calypso: What are you going to do? Look away from Charlize Theron? But ultimately the fate of the season won’t lie with them.
- Western Bulldogs – Helen of Troy: Beautiful at the start of the year but viciously hurt across the year to the point of unrecognizability.
- Collingwood – Eumaeus: This wily old blind fella still has some tricks, even when it feels like he doesn’t.
- Geelong – Agamemnon: The Cats are a fading king who must have sacrificed a number of babies for their good fortune over the last 20 years. The injuries to Cameron and now Holmes feel like the worm beginning to turn.
- St Kilda – Sinon: Like the Saints, Sinon is a warrior but is simply outgunned despite his bravery.
- GWS – Telemachus: GWS’ season is threatening to be a bit Telemachus. They started slowly, are growing into what they should be, but are ultimately a massive disappointment.
- Carlton – The sirens: Can you hear the Josh Fraser shaped sirens singing? It’s so beautiful! Hire that interim coach! Do it again even though you know what’s going to happen.
- North Melbourne – Charybdis: After the win against Gold Coast, I got sucked into the North Melbourne whirlpool. After the worst three game win-streak in history followed by a loss to Port, I’ve been spat back out.
- Gold Coast – Circe: Gold Coast has brought in star coaches and players over the last few years, but the hellish environment that they exist in turns everyone into a pig.
- Port Adelaide – Cyclops Polyphemus: Everyone else has two eyes but this team has one. They’re 14th in scoring and third in points against.
- West Coast – The bow: You can feel this team getting close, but it’s going to take a special person to string it.
- Essendon – Antinous: Useless in a spiritually evil way and a coward.
- Richmond – Argos the dog: Constantly getting kicked and not giving much of a yelp.