Explaining the AFL Premiership Metrics Through Devil Wears Prada Quotes

I saw The Devil Wears Prada 2 the other night. My official review is that I loved the original.

To celebrate the second one coming out and at the very least not being the worst legacy sequel in living memory (Anchorman 2), I thought I’d run through Andrew Whelan’s premiership metrics using lines from the original, which is one of the most quotable movies since Goodfellas.

But what are the premiership metrics? The premiership metrics are a series of numbers that have been mostly closely associated with winning the premiership over the last 15 years.

Essentially, the numbers combine stats that capture your performance with and without the ball to create a premiership window. All the premiers since 2012 have been in that window.

The Will Huntings among you will note that correlation doesn’t equal causation. Congratulations on your Fields Medal. These numbers are just a good data point on who is actually looking likely to compete for the premiership a third of the way through the year.

“Everybody wants to be us” – Sydney, Hawthorn, Brisbane

These three are the only three teams in the top six across stats both with and without the ball. Sydney especially has put on an offensive football masterclass, sititng first in 7/9 of the offensive metrics.

These three have a statistical profile that is the envy of the competition and also play just about the most attractive footy, though I’d throw Melbourne into that mix. Nobody else can do what these three do, and everybody wants to be them.

“Why is no one reeeeeeeeeeady” – Gold Coast, Fremantle

This is a little harsh on these two teams as Gold Coast is sitting fourth in the metrics and Freo is just slightly at the lower end of the premiership window, but why aren’t they ready?

This was meant to be the year for these two and they’ve started off good but definitively not great through a third of the season.

Despite truly elite talent on the list, neither is especially elite with the ball while Freo is pretty strong without it.

When we do this exercise again at the 2/3 point of the season, as they get key offensive players like Christian Petracca and Hayden Young back fit and firing on all cylinders, these two clubs need to be better or risk getting a Miranda stare.

“Details of your incompetence do not interest me” – GWS, Adelaide, Bulldogs

If the teams in the last category aren’t ready, these are worse than that.

These teams came into the year with genuine premiership aspirations as finalists or, in the case of the Dogs, a ridiculous offensive profile last year and this year they look a long way off the mark.

All three have reasons and they are, without question, reasonable. All three have been cruelled by injury and, in the case of the Crows, by unfathomable tragedy. (None of this is intended to minimise what Adelaide and their captain is going through. This is meant to just be a fun column.)

But in the worlds of footy and of fashion, the details are just that. It’s a bottom-line business. And the bottom line says these are the 11^th, 13^th, and 14^th best statistical profiles in terms of winning the premiership.

Miranda wouldn’t let a little drizzle stop her from getting home, just like the Dogs can’t let a little ACL to not even their best player stop them.

“By all means move at a glacial pace. You know how that thrills me” – St Kilda, North Melbourne

The Saints supercharged their team this offseason, adding a stack of B+ talent to their list in the hope that it drives them to the finals.

North have been building steadily for years and looked set to finally launch an assault on the competition on the back of a dominant midfield, good forward line and a defence that could be protected.

They are 9^th and 12^th, respectively.

As two Melbourne clubs, they were meant to be good to give the finals or at least the wildcard some Victorian representation. They aren’t going as quickly as they were expected to.

You know how that thrills me.

“Florals? For spring? Groundbreaking.” – Geelong, Collingwood

Florals in spring? Mate, we’ve seen it all before.

Geelong and Collingwood? Same boat.

These are two of the four oldest lists in footy who have been in the premiership hunt perennially for the last number of years but now they’re firmly ensconced in mediocrity, sitting seventh and eighth in the metrics.

Neither are in the top four with or without the ball and the Pies especially just can not score. Even with their demolition of Essendon on Anzac Day, they’re the 14^th best team in the competition with the ball.

It just doesn’t feel like a lot of fresh blood is coming from these two as they slowly fade out of the premiership picture.

“I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight” – Port Adelaide, Melbourne

Emily Blunt, famed non-carb eater, is closer than she thought to her goal weight.

Port Adelaide and Melbourne are closer than they thought to contention.

Despite heading into the year both staring down the barrel of rebuilds with new coaches, both are already in the top-10 of the premiership metrics on the back of one side of the ball being pretty excellent.

The Dees are one of the most compelling with ball teams in the competition, driven by Kozzy Pickett among a few others.

Port Adelaide is footy’s stoutest team without the ball according to the metrics, largely driven by a career best year from 32 year old Aliir Alirr who just took eight(!) contested marks in a classic Showdown.

These teams are closer than I thought heading into the season. If Port can keep Zak Butters and Mitch Georgiades long-term, they have a strong defensive base to build off. Melbourne, on the other hand, needs to stiffen up defensively but are playing a modern style that should hold them in good stead.

These teams are a stomach flu or two away from really contending, against all the odds.

“That’s all.” – Richmond, Essendon, Carlton, West Coast

We can dismiss these teams. They have no style or sense of fashion.