The Premiership Metrics as told by Pulp Fiction

The Premiership Metrics as told by Pulp Fiction

GuyWhoLikesSport GuyWhoLikesSport

The Great and Powerful Andrew Whelan from WheeloRatings – the non-AFL club employee’s answer to Champion Data’s which is bizarrely kept from the public – updates what are called the premiership metrics every week.

These metrics are a collection of numbers that recent premiers have ended the season in the top-6 of in the home and away part of the season in their premiership year.

Gold star to all the Will Huntings who know that correlation does not equal causation.

That’s true.

But it doesn’t change the fact that there are a few numbers it’s important to be good at if you’re going to win the premiership, and Wheelo has identified them.

These are the metrics after Round 9 of 2025.

In this column, I’ll run through every team’s chances according solely to these metrics using quotes from my 10th favourite movie of all time – Pulp Fiction.

“It’s the one that says bad mother**ker” – Gold Coast, Collingwood, Hawthorn, Adelaide

According to the numbers, these are the baddest mfers in the competition.

If the goal is being top six in as many of these metrics as possible, then these four teams are the ones acing the brief.

They’re the only four who are in the top third of the league both with and without the ball.

At this point in the season, one of these teams is most likely to pull a Jules at the end of the season and become the shepherd, leading the rest of the league down a path to their own premiership glory.

“Because you are a character doesn’t mean you have character” – Carlton, Bulldogs, Brisbane

Raquel seems to have character based on our minute with her.

At least, you can’t be a stool pigeon to run a demolition place where LA’s criminals come to destroy cars that were obviously in some way involved in some crime.

At least in a mafia sense, that’s character.

Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked.

These three teams are characters, but they lack character.

In footy, that means that they’re good fun and good at some things, but they’re not substantial – at least til this point in the year.

They’re elite on one side of the ball – with it for the Dogs and without it for Carlton and Brisbane.

Their lack of character shines through in the sense that they’re out of the top-six on the other side of the ball.

“Let’s not start sucking each other’s d**ks quite yet” –Essendon, GWS, St Kilda, Richmond

These teams are probably excited to have won as many games as they have, but the numbers tell us that the wins are probably masking some more significant holes.

GWS, Essendon, and the Saints are all either in the eight or are a game out but the metrics tell us that they’re the 10th, 15th, and 13th best teams, respectively.

Richmond is a little bit different.

There was some talk that this Tiger outfit would be one of the worst in league history and may not win a game, but they’ve won three before June.

But, perhaps more than any other team, they need to heed Mr Wolf’s advice irrespective of whether he says please.

Despite winning three games, the metrics tell us this is still the second worst team in footy.

“I’m American honey, our names don’t mean s**t” – Geelong, Sydney

Both Sydney and Geelong were either in the prelim or the Grand Final last year and are probably two of the three best clubs in recent footy history.

But this year, those names, that pedigree, mean as much as Butch’s word that he’ll go down in the fifth.

Both of them have been overwhelmingly mediocre this year, the eighth and ninth best teams in footy by the numbers.

Only Geelong is at the level with the ball, and even then they are having real problems with territory.

Unless something flips, neither side’s name or magnificent recent history means s**t.

“No marriage counselling, No trial separation. I’m gonna get f**king divorced. And I don’t wanna get f**king divorced!” – Fremantle, Melbourne, and Port Adelaide

Okay, look.

That scene in the movie has aged badly.

Not just for its liberal use of a certain word by a white guy, but also because the white guy – actor Quentin Tarantino – is so clearly the worst part of the movie.

Tarantino is such a bad actor it’s almost unbelievable.

The way he delivers the line “I’m the one who buys it. I KNOW how good it is” is one of the only moments of unintentional comedy in the movie.

Butch’s girlfriend’s performance is way better.

Anyway this one isn’t complicated. All of these teams’ numbers are exactly as bad as they feel watching them, which isn’t true for some teams.

These are terrible sides that will or should soon be in the market for new coaches. Port Adelaide is actually in a trial separation and do want a divorce, but they shouldn’t.

Freo and Melbourne are not officially in a trial separation yet, but like Bonnie and Jimmy, if things don’t get fixed soon they’re heading for disaster.

These are not good sides.

“If my answers frighten you then you should cease asking scary questions” – North Melbourne, West Coast

The scary question is are we ever going to be good again?