Friday night footy, traditionally, is the AFL’s showpiece game and the one that usually has the most interest and eyeballs nationally.
Now, granted, across the first 14 weeks of the season there are 13 Thursday night games, most of which appear to be pretty interesting, but the title of the column is the title of the column. It just sounds better than the Prime Time Standalone Game Watchability Index.
As an aside, the AFL’s embrace of the Thursday night game feels to me like two things: one, a lust for TV ratings unparalleled by even the horniest of incels; and secondly, the AFL’s shrewdness in realising that Friday is a work from home and do nothing day for most office workers.
Anyway, the parameters of the game are simple.
I’m going to rank each team’s by how watchable they would be if they played on a Friday night (or in prime time generally).
I appreciate that Friday Night Footy is usually the home of big Melbourne clubs, so this game has to assume that everyone is getting a prime-time game (and it’s not the bloody Melbourne Mafia running the show).
I’m ranking these teams by game style and personnel, but also by drama and intrigue.
All it is, in essence, is asking which team would you be most interested in watching in prime time?
If two top-tier teams are playing each other, it’s clear your calendar areas and if two bottom-tier teams are playing, watch the Kayo mini and stop neglecting your family.
You get it.
I will tier rank the teams 1-18, with 1 being the most watchable and 18 being the least.
In the interests of brevity, I’ll also compare each team to a movie and limit myself to a two-sentence maximum to explain the link and/or the ranking.
I’m going to keep a version of this gimmick going the whole season.
Heading into a full weekend of games, I’ll rank every game that is set to be played by how watchable it is from a neutral fan’s standpoint and give the week a movie comparison and a sentence like I’m doing here.
Onto the list.
Start a fight with your partner that is so big it will require them to vent for at least 4 hours out of the house. You don’t want to miss the pre and post-game.
1. Collingwood – Training Day
• Fun, watchable, and relatively likeable despite itself. A genius at the centre of it all.
2. GWS – Barbie
• You won’t believe how good it is. Just try it.
3. Adelaide – John Wick 2.
• Better than the original. All gas, no fucking brakes.
4. Carlton – Saltburn
• Might be really good or really bad. No choice but to watch either way.
7:40 pm start time means early dinner. No canoodling.
5. Brisbane – Oppenheimer
• Supposed to be transcendent. Might just be okay.
6. Sydney – Se7en
• Down the last time out but undeniably talented and very likely to return to top form.
7. Gold Coast – James Gunn going to DC movies
• Subscribed to the idea that a Messiah can fix everything. The underlying talent is there, though.
8. Richmond – The Departed
• “The old guy’s still got it” season incoming.
9. Hawthorn – The Talented Mr Ripley
• Full of young stars that are about to peak. The main character is a smart sociopath.
“Hey babe, want to watch this game with me? We could do a joint multi based on how hot the players are?”
10. Geelong – Wedding Crashers
• Ageing badly. Still good.
11. Western Bulldogs – Napoleon
• A talented lunatic at the top. But the talented lunatic seems more intent on proving his lunacy than his talent.
12. Essendon – The first half of Wolf of Wall Street
• Off the rails in a fun way.
13. Port Adelaide – The second half of Wolf of Wall Street
• On the come down. Not as fun anymore.
14. West Coast – J. Edgar
• An absolute calamity, except for one piece.
“Hey babe, want to go to the pub and watch the footy? No? Me either.”
15. Melbourne – The Exorcist
• Praying that a tortured production full of fatalities might lead to something great.
16. North Melbourne – Maestro
• A bit sick of hearing about the genius of the director/coach, especially if this is what they’re devoting their genius to.
“Sure, I’d love to have dinner with your friends. I also think Abbie Chatfield is funny.”
17. Fremantle – Five Nights and Freddy’s
• Who cares?
18. St Kilda – The Zone of Interest
• I’d rather watch a movie about Rudolph Hess’ home life than a Ross Lyon team. It would be cheerier.