Possible Super Bowl LIX Matchups Ranked

Possible Super Bowl LIX Matchups Ranked

And then there were four.

Given that, now is the time to rank what matchups we want to see in the Super Bowl.

I’m making these rankings based on three criteria:

1. Watchability
2. Narratives
3. Stakes

The contentious one there is stakes, obviously, the Super Bowl has stakes for everyone involved… it’s the Super Bowl.

But it’s also obviously true that for some teams, they are already solidified in history and there’s simply less riding on it.

The stakes can also apply to key players, for instance, Josh Allen’s overall legacy is more in question at this point in his career than Patrick Mahomes’.

I was going to have quarterbacks as a criterion but, realistically, we have three of the top seven quarterbacks in the league and Jalen Hurts so I think that would artificially inhibit the Eagles’ games.

It’d be like measuring The Sopranos historically and deciding that whoever plays the main characters’ daughters’ idiot boyfriend is what carries the most weight.

Sometimes the quarterback doesn’t matter the most.

I’ll also give each game a name to try and capture the essence of the game.

Here we go.

1. Bills v Commanders: The Dust Bowl

This is easy.

Even if the Bills are here because Mark Andrews betrayed his white pass catcher brothers and can now no longer be called “reliable” and is now relegated to just being “smart” and “like another quarterback out there”, it’s still easy.

In terms of watchability, we have two of the most fun to watch quarterbacks in the league.

Josh Allen and Jayden Daniels are kind of evolutionary opposites.

They are both built for modern game.

They are equally dangerous in run and pass, they both hunt explosives but can pilot successful down-to-down offences, and they’re both clutch.

They just go about it differently.

Allen is a rocket armed tank who runs through things like he’s Daniel Craig in the Casino Royale opening chase scene.

Daniels has probably slightly less arm talent but goes from 0-60-0 quicker than almost anyone in the NFL other than Lamar Jackson, and he’s the most disciplined quarterback left in it other than Mahomes.

That’s a crazy combination.

Narrative and stakes go hand-in-hand here, and they are also where we go for our title.

These are two teams in the midst of severe droughts.

The Bills, famously, lost four Super Bowls in a row in the early 90s and have never won a Lombardi Trophy.

Plus, a win for Josh Allen would officially elevate him into the conversation with the all-time greats that he derserves to be in.

The Commanders situation is different.

They last won in 1991, beating the Bills ironically, but between then and now they have been owned by Dan Snyder.

He was a sex pest, a cheapskate, and a thief who did the impossible and turned people away from the NFL.

He makes a President pulling a Webistics look normal.

He was forced to sell the team heading into the 2023 season and it would be truly glorious to see the Commanders win in the first full year not under his idiotic rule.

In either case, this Super Bowl would be like Little Miss Sunshine, at least for the winner.

The end would make all the pain worth it.

Narrative: 9.2
Watchability: 8.6
Stakes: 9.8
Total: 27.6

2. Chiefs v Commanders: The Good versus Evil Bowl

Lucille Bluth voice: “I don’t care for the Chiefs”.

I don’t care if you “well actually” me and say that they don’t really get more help from the refs.

I know what I see, and I see Mahomes getting calls that no other quarterback would get.

I also know that my dislike for them is a bit Skylar White.

A lot of the time I knew Skylar was right and Walt was an asshole, but it doesn’t change the fact that I was kind of team Walt until the end.

At least until he killed Jane.

Anyway, the beauty of this game is there’s collective like and dislike. Good and evil. The narrative element is off the charts.

As far as watchability, we’re all pumped to watch Jayden Daniels.

However, we’re bored of Patrick Mahomes being turned into a death by a thousand cuts quarterback because there’s no extra gear in the passing game.

Finally, there are real stakes for the Chiefs, being the first team to three-peat since the merger would be extraordinary.

In any case, the narrative and stakes elements of this game elevate it above its lesser watchability.

It’s a bit like The Brutalist in that way.

Narrative: 9.7
Watchability: 6.8
Stakes: 8.9
Total: 25.4

3. Bills v Eagles: The Bizarro Bowl

This game would be so fascinating because it’s a mirror image game, the Bizarro-Jerry of the possible Super Bowls.

It’s the perfect encapsulation of the difference between the NFC and the AFC.

In the AFC, you have a quarterback who is carrying a roster that was meant to be rebuilding to a Super Bowl on the back of sheer ability and will to win. That’s Josh Allen.

On the other side you have a limited quarterback propped up by the most exceptional set of weapons and best defence in the league. That’s Jalen Hurts.

The Eagles are all-in, spending $328m in total cash on their roster to prop up their quarterback, third in the NFL.

The Bills are there because their quarterback is propping everyone else up, spending $269m in total cash, 20th in the NFL.

Narrative wise this is excellent: Man versus Machine.

In terms of stakes, we know what they are for Josh Allen and the Bills.

Jalen Hurts isn’t good enough to be considered in the kind of air that Josh Allen would be considered in if he wins a Super Bowl, so his personal stakes are less relevant.

However, the status of the Eagles as a dominant franchise over the last decade would be solidified with a second win in 10 years.

This would also clearly be the best fan matchup of any possible Super Bowls.

This game, both Eagles possibilities really, suffer in terms of watchability, however.

They win games in grinding, occasionally dull fashion other than when Saquon breaks one.

Even Josh Allen isn’t enough fun to save this one.

Narrative: 8.8
Watchability: 5.2
Stakes: 7.3
Total: 21.3

4. Chiefs v Eagles: The Redux Bowl

This is the worst one.

As I’ve said already, these are teams are grim watches other than moments of genius from Saquon Barkley.

Even Travis Kelce’s once effortless movement is now no longer effortless, though he is still amazingly effective in big games.

In terms of stakes, they are huge for the Chiefs as I’ve mentioned but less so for the Eagles.

Finally, narrative-wise, the best point is that they’ve played a classic before.

That’s terrific, but these are different teams now than they were two years ago and the Chiefs particularly are far worse.

The Eagles quarterback is also playing worse than he did two years ago as he’s massively dialled back his appetite for risk taking.

Apples and bowling balls.

Narrative: 7.7
Watchability: 4.8
Stakes: 7.1
Total: 19.6

 

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