2024 Neds NFL Mock Draft

2024 Neds NFL Mock Draft

James Caughlin

It’s that time of year once again where NFL circles are abuzz leading up to this Friday’s Draft in Detroit.

Let’s try not to think about how the league has turned the process of reading names off a card into a three day TV extravaganza, let along all of the pomp and pageantry that now goes into the event.

But since everyone else is doing a Mock Draft at this time of year, we here at Neds feel obligated to do one of our own (again).

After all, we have done our research, watched the game tape (which is all digital now by the way), dissected the stats and come up with the only Mock Draft you need to read.

Our 2021, 2022 and 2023 editions were rousing successes, going a remarkable 32/32 in the first round, so you can trust these completely legitimate selections are 100% accurate.

1 – Chicago Bears (from Carolina Panthers)

PICK: The Future Rights to Peyton Manning’s Nephew

Chicago needs a quarterback in the worst possible way and the temptation might be to bring in Caleb Williams who certainly stands out with his loud personality.

Williams has been called the closest thing to Patrick Mahomes to come into the league since the now three-time Super Bowl champion and he’s probably going to have a phenomenal career.

But a chance to claim a Manning right now? How can you pass that up?

2 – Washington Commanders

PICK: A better team name

After all of that build up, two years of going by the kind of cool name of “Football Team” Washington once again let down the NFL world by going for the incredibly boring nickname of “Commanders” with some pretty shoddy uniforms to boot.

Two years after the big reveal it still sucks and most fans have to pause for a second to remember what they are called now.

3 – New England Patriots

PICK: A time machine to go back to 2001

Unfortunately, the other 31 teams would be taking whatever weaponry they could find and destroying said time machine because New England made everyone’s lives miserable for 20 years… except maybe Eli Manning.

But just ask any New England fan how much they would love to go back and relive the glory days because looking at this roster, those happy times aren’t coming back in the near future, outside of Madden maybe.

4 – Arizona Cardinals

PICK: An agent from the Men in Black

Not for anything to do with alleged alien life forms in the desert, just to erase the memories of a pretty poor run over the last couple of seasons.

5 – Los Angeles Chargers

PICK: A PR Agent

Did you know the Chargers moved to Los Angeles a few years ago?

It’s been a few years now and they still have not really had any cut through.

The people of LA have not bought in with Chargers games normally populated by fans of the opposing team happy to have a holiday on the west coast.

Of course if they start winning look for a bunch of lifelong Chargers fans who also have a moderate TikTok following to suddenly emerge from the woodwork.

6 – New York Giants

PICK: Someone about to be very disappointed when they realise the home games are in New Jersey

Despite being named the “New York” Giants, both they and the Jets have their training base and stadium across state lines in the Garden State of New Jersey.

One fan is at least trying to solve the most blatant case of false advertising since Lionel Hutz’s lawsuit against the film The Never Ending Story.

7 – Tennessee Titans

PICK: Someone new to handle warm ups

Does this sort of stuff really fall under the purview of the head coach in Tennessee?

It used to be Mike Vrabel but he got fired at the end of last season and Brian Callahan does not seem like he is going to be able to cope with getting manhandled by offensive linemen.

8 – Atlanta Falcons

PICK: Someone who knows how to hold a lead

It might be a cheap shot to keep bringing up the Falcons inability to hold a lead but we’ll stop making those jokes when they stop being funny.

The Falcons might have embarked on a new era in 2022 after the trade of Matt Ryan but when they keep giving up touchdowns like this you know they still haven’t totally moved on.

Perhaps the signing of Kirk Cousins will make a bit of a difference.

9 – Chicago Bears

PICK: A gullible trade partner

12 months ago the Bears gave up the first overall pick to Carolina in exchange for, among other things, the Panthers’ first round choice in 2024.

In a rare piece of good luck for Chicago, Carolina was so bad the Bears fell into the top overall pick while also earning the ninth choice on their own.

Now they just have to work out which poor sucker they are going to fleece for a top five pick next season… maybe Las Vegas?

10 – New York Jets

PICK: Whatever Aaron Rodgers wants

When you turn your franchise over to a 40 year old quarterback and give him a contract you can’t get out of, you’re pretty much beholden to whatever he wants.

To make matters more fun, Rodgers lasted about eight plays last season before his Achiles went pop, the Jets have to hope that whatever investment they make into him this season has a slightly higher dividend.

11 – Minnesota Vikings

PICK: Whatever Justin Jefferson wants

The Vikings star receiver and arguably the best player at his position in the NFL, Jefferson has the team over a barrel at the moment.

For starters, they just let their quarterback go in free agency, so Jefferson has to be wondering who is going to throw the ball, since he can’t do both, just ask Gisele Bundchen how hard that is for an NFL player.

But he could definitely try to play quarterback and receiver on the same play.

12 – Denver Broncos

PICK: A quarterback who is ok getting berated by Sean Payton

Two years ago the Denver Broncos brought in quarterback Russell Wilson and gave him a big money contract to be the long term leader of the team.

One year ago the Denver Broncos brought in head coach Sean Payton who decided he did not like Wilson as a quarterback and the two men endured a rocky relationship throughout the 2023 season.

Two months ago the Denver Broncos released Russell Wilson and it’s fair to say Payton was not feeling overly sentimental about that decision.

13 – Las Vegas Raiders

PICK: Someone with a LOT of self restraint

Whoever does go to the Raiders is going to be an instant millionaire while moving to a place nicknamed “Sin City”.

And as we know in the social media age, what happens in Vegas does not necessarily stay in Vegas.

14 – New Orleans Saints

PICK: Zion Williamson on loan

He’s already in the Bayou playing for the Pelicans, but can you imagine trying to stop this guy in a fourth and short with a head of steam?

Not to mention the areal prowess going for a jump ball in the red zone.

15 – Indianapolis Colts

PICK: Marvin Harrison Jr

The son of franchise legend Marvin Harrison has absolutely zero chance of being available at pick 15 for the Colts, but that won’t stop their eccentric owner Jim Irsay trying to draft him anyway.

He will continue to cite something called a “father-son rule” which does not exist in the NFL while saying it was his right to take whoever he wants.

Perhaps he got confused with the AFL’s rule of the same name considering the letters in the name of the league are pretty similar.

Up next he is going to try to claim the rights to Peyton Manning’s offspring, although Denver might try and get in on that too.

16 – Seattle Seahawks

PICK: Fraser Crane

Not for their playing roster, but he’d make one hell of a PA announcer and team radio host.

17 – Jacksonville Jaguars

PICK: A scriptwriter for Trevor Lawrence

He’s making good strides as a quarterback, but these pregame speeches really need some help.

18 – Cincinnati Bengals

PICK: Bubble wrap for Joe Burrow

The top overall pick in 2020, Joe Burrow has had a full on career through four years in Cincinnati.

In 2020 he had his knee shredded on a big hit, 2021 saw him take the Bengals to the Super Bowl and the AFC Championship the next year.

The 2023 season saw Burrow battle injuries the whole year before eventually getting shut down due to an injury in his throwing arm.

Long story short: if he is healthy the Bengals are great, if he is hurt, they are not.

PROTECT THE FRANCHISE AT ALL COSTS!

19 – Los Angeles Rams

PICK: A manual on what to do here

The last time the Rams made a first round draft choice was 2016, when they took Jared Goff.

Since then they have fired Jeff Fisher, hired Sean McVay, gone to the playoffs, gone to the Super Bowl, traded Goff to Detroit for Matthew Stafford, gone back to the Super Bowl and won it and to top it all off, the one time boy wonder McVay has finally gone through puberty.

Either way, it has been a long time since the Rams were involved in day one of the NFL Draft so they might need a bit of help.

It will be a bit of a departure from their usual festivities which can result in some interesting press conferences where McVay and GM Les Snead were definitely in control of their faculties.

20 – Pittsburgh Steelers

PICK: A history major

Did you know the Steelers have won six Super Bowl titles?

It’s been a while and they are now into the post Big Ben era with the hope that the austere times will not last that long.

It might be worth bringing someone on board that can remind them of happier times.

21 – Miami Dolphins

PICK: Whoever wins the 100m at the US Track & Field Trials

Miami’s offence is all about speed, so why not find America’s fastest man and add him to Tyreek Hill, Jaylen Waddle, DeVon Achane and company.

22 – Philadelphia Eagles

PICK: Taniela Tupou

Philadelphia has made waves with their unique approach to the quarterback sneak play which essentially was a maul from rugby union (just ignore the fact they called it a “scrum”).

It was so effective that teams called for it to be outlawed which is as close to a sign of respect as you can get from an NFL team.

Why not add some more bulk with rugby’s most mobile prop and a guy who can rival Jalen Hurts in a squatting competition.

Philly loves their Aussies with Jordan Mailata already on the roster.

23 – Minnesota Vikings (from Cleveland via Houston)

PICK: Same as pick 11

It’s probably going to take more than one draft pick to meet Jefferson’s needs.

24 – Dallas Cowboys

PICK: Bill Belichick

The hoodie is a free agent at the moment and there were rumours the Cowboys would hire him to replace Mike McCarthy a few months ago.

Jerry Jones is going to play it safe and get his next coach on staff now so that he’s ready to axe his current coach the minute Dallas shows any signs of weakness.

25 – Green Bay Packers

PICK: A kicker Matt LaFleur actually trusts

Most kickers have relatively fragile confidences at the best of times, let alone when your coach says this in the middle of a playoff game.

Players at that position can fold faster than Superman on laundry day under pressure and if the Packers can find someone who can hold their nerve in January, they might be a chance of playing in February.

26 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers

PICK: Continued good fortune

The original joke here was going to be about Tom Brady, but Baker Mayfield was pretty damn good last season, so much so that he got a contract extension and is the guy for the coming season.

It was a bit of a surprise to see them successfully defend their NFC South crown but if things keep breaking their way, they can absolutely do it again.

27 – Arizona Cardinals (from Houston)

PICK: Anyone that might make them interesting this season

At this point the Cardinals can’t afford to be selective about who they will take.

Outside of Kyler Murray and Budda Baker, there is a distinct lack of sizzle on this roster with a surprising number of players whose names you see and go “oh yeah, they’re still playing!”

Can they take Ryan Reynolds and Rob McElhenney and install them as owners to try and spice things up the way they did with Wrexham?

28 – Buffalo Bills

PICK: Someone who can catch a pass and not throw a tantrum

Mercurial receiver Stefon Diggs is gone and there’s a lingering theory that neither he or the Bills will miss each other that much.

Ok maybe it’s a bit more than a theory.

Diva-type personalities are drawn to the receiver position so there is always an inherent risk the player might be a bit self-centred.

But if they can get a top receiver that does not lose his mind several times per season, that would be a nice pickup.

29 – Detroit Lions

PICK: A way to prevent Dan Campbell ever leaving

Just about everyone laughed at Dan Campbell’s opening press conference when he took over as Detroit’s head coach, laughing at him, calling him a fake tough guy and his intensity performative.

But boy did he prove those guys wrong.

Combined with some clever recruitment, the Lions have suddenly become one of the best teams in the NFC and might not be that far away from a Super Bowl.

Now they just have to make sure things stay positive and Campbell doesn’t go anywhere.

30 – Baltimore Ravens

PICK: An anger management therapist

It can’t be good for John Harbaugh to go through life that angry all the time…

Frustrated John Harbaugh GIF by NFL - Find & Share on GIPHY

31 – San Francisco 49ers

PICK: A coach specifically for the fourth quarter

Kyle Shanahan is a phenomenal coach, but the man does not know how to win a big game.

If the already lengthy list of fourth quarter chokes was not enough, then February’s Super Bowl loss to the Chiefs should seal the argument.

Maybe just find someone to take over late on when the adrenaline might get to be a little bit much for him?

32 – Kansas City Chiefs

PICK: A Real Estate Agent

There really is not much the defending Super Bowl champion Chiefs need, maybe a receiver or two.

But their most pressing issue is actually surrounding their stadium and the upcoming expiration of the lease.

You see, the owners, the Hunts are asking the local county to pay several for hundred million dollars in renovations to Arrowhead Stadium because they just haven’t got the cash on hand… mostly because Patrick Mahomes is due to make half a billion dollars on his current deal.

Anyway, things have been said and now the threats of the Chiefs leaving their home are starting.

So what better way to show they mean business than by recruiting a real estate agent to scout out some new venues for a stadium.