12 St.Kilda Coaching Candidates

12 St.Kilda Coaching Candidates

With Brett Ratten being given the Freo-Heave-Ho from St Kilda, it leaves the door open for a job vacancy down at Moorabbin.

Just who will take the job and who will be the right man to take the Saints to the ultimate glory?

We’ve had the shortlist and their pros and cons leaked to us and we present our list of 12 St.Kilda Coaching Candidates.

(1) Brett Ratten 

PROS

  • Has already had the job
  • They did sign him for two years extension only to sack him six months later

CONS:

  • Got knifed in the back by St Kilda management.
  • Would be a major backflip

(2) Grant Thomas 

PROS

  • Hates the AFL.
  • Big on Twitter but follows no one.
  • Will want to finish the job after was sacked by the Saints in 2006
  • Will be anti-establishment.
  • Single-handily ruined the pre-season cup with that Wizard Cup photo with Lenny Hayes in 2004.
  • Doesn’t give two hoots what people think about it
  • Would be the first coach in history to coach via sending out Tweets. He wouldn’t need to even come into the club and could coach the Saints from home.

CONS:

  • Will do whatever he can to be sacked again.

(3) Molly Meldrum 

PROS:

  • Is a die-hard lifelong Saints supporter
  • Aussie icon
  • Very marketable
  • Is a former member of the Saints cheer squad.
  • Has a Saints mural in front of his house
  • Media-friendly – has always promoted St.Kilda from the days of Countdown and even fought on behalf of Nicky Winmar on the Sunday Footy Show back in 1993.

 

CONS

  • The last thing Molly needs to focus on is getting anything, let alone a football team, up the ladder.

(4) Ross Lyon 

PROS 

  • Is clearly St.Kilda’s best coach in the past 50 years after taking them to three losing Grand Finals
  • The leading candidate for the job
  • Will bring back the term “Saints Footy”

CONS:

  • The glory days of games finishing up 10 goals to 8 goals will be back
  • Will be missed by the Neds team for his contribution to our odds updates on Triple M footy always asking for “VALUE” in the multis
  • Bad news for Shane should if he were to return to one of his post-game press conferences.
  • He’s quite brilliant

 

(5) Malcolm Blight 

PROS

  • Promised St.Kilda “The Ride of your life” when appointed coach in 2001
  • Is Malcolm Blight
  • Can do things such as give the players a spray on the ground after the game, make them do a guard of honour to the opposition and publically call players “Pathetic” in interviews
  • Most remembered for the bright yellow jumper when he left Moorabbin after the Saints sacked him in 2001.

CONS

  • Doesn’t give a “Rats Tossbag” about St.Kilda

(6) Eric Bana 

PROS

  • Die-hard Saints fan
  • Promotes the Saints in movies
  • Could play multiple roles at the club (he’s an actor)

CONS

  • Can’t take him too seriously, people will just look at him at say “mate, you’re Podia from Full Frontal”
  • Has never played footy or coached any team. Probably not best for an entry-level position.

(7) Robbo 

PROS:

  • Speaks passionately, you can tell his mood by how he waves his arms
  • A big advocate for players training Tuesday/Thursday nights, playing Saturday Arvo, Saints Disco post-game and then pleasant Sunday mornings.

CONS:

  • He’ll bring in Gerrard and Mike Sheahan as assistant coaches.
  • Has a tendency to lobby for James Hird for no reason
  • Recent health scare means coaching isn’t ideal for dear old Robbo.

(8) Hutchy 

PROS:

  • Can sell ice to Eskimos
  • Has no hesitation in delisting, trading and singing up players anywhere, anytime
  • SEN would turn into St.Kilda content 24/7
  • Would float tactics ideas to Damo on the Sounding Board podcast.
  • Footy Classified would be Saints Classified.

CONS:

  • St.Kilda polo shirts would need to be bigger…for the extra sponsors
  • St.Kilda would relocate to America and Tasmania in a unique hybrid home game arrangement.
  • St Kilda would be renamed “The St.Kilda Saints thanks to McCafe, Harvey Norman, Brighton BMW and the Moe Milk Bar.”

(9) James Hird 

PROS:

  • Essendon Fans love him #StandByHird
  •  Loves to implement new, radical and exciting exercise and sports science regimes,.
  • Legend of the game.
  • Give him another chance

CONS:

  • Just a little thing called the supplements scandal
  • Didn’t even get the job at Essendon

(10) Kane Cornes

PROS

  • Hard talking
  • No nonsence
  • Did do an amazing run for charity
  • No long-term contracts
  • Hates go pros
  • Can put out a fire

 

CONS

  • Would call for himself to be sacked on his own radio and television show
  • Might quit as he did at the fire brigade
  • No Mad Monday
  • No fun
  • No smiling

Kane Cornes - Host: SEN Breakfast, AFL Trade Radio, AFL Nation Commentator  - Sports Entertainment Network | LinkedIn

(11) Tom Browne 

PROS: 

  • Has discovered the art of turning replies off on Twitter.
  • Would be able to reveal who’s in the squad every week by going “I’m hearing Max King is going to play up forward this week.”
  • Already knows where the players live, socialise and what day their bins get picked up.
  • Would speculate week in, week out if he is going to get sacked or not.
  • One of the first to apply for the job.

CONS: 

  • Wouldn’t be on Channel 7 news anymor…hang on, that’s a con?
  • His arch rival Mitch Cleary would become top dog in the newsroom
  • Would also leak stories to himself

(12) Scott Morrison 

 

PROS:

  • Loves Saints of a different variety
  • If the players have a go, they get a go
  • Has already appointed himself St Kilda coach back when he was prime minister

CONS:

  • Knows about the same amount about the Saints as that of the Sharkies
  • Will order jumpers and boots but not enough.

Scott Morrison masters the sleight of hand of faith