12 Wallabies Coaching Candidates

With Micheal Cheika leaving as national coach and Australian Rugby in turmoil yet again after a dismal World Cup performance in Japan, it’s fair to say the outlook is rather bleak for Union in this country.

The question is – just who can bring Australia back to glory on the international stage in the game they play in heaven?

We’ve had the list of candidates and their pros and cons leaked to us and we are proud to present our list of 12 Wallabies Coaching Candidates.

 

(1) Eddie Jones

PROS

  • He has had great success with Japan and England.
  • He wouldn’t be able to coach England anymore. 
  • Robert ‘Crash’ Craddock has endorsed him and that is good enough for us. 
  • He loves a press conference blow-up. 

CONS:

  • He was inconsistent the last time that he had the job. 
  • He won only two games with the Reds in 2007.
  • He is still a bit of a knob. 

(2) Dave Rennie

PROS

  • Has coached right around the world.
  • He has had success everywhere that he has coached. 
  • He doesn’t have a Michael Cheika style ego. 

CONS:

  • He is a New Zealander. 
  • Committed to his current job with the Glasgow Warriors. 
  • Has never coached at international level before. 

(3) Dan McKellar

PROS

  • Has done a good job with the Brumbies. 
  • No nonsense character that doesn’t have a big ego. 
  • Has shown his dedication to coaching by electing to take a job in Canberra. 

CONS:

  • Very inexperienced. 
  • Has a terrible record against New Zealand teams – like all Australian coaches. 
  • His bland personality. 

(4) Jamie Joseph

PROS

  • Took Japan to the World Cup Quarter Finals.
  • Is the only coach that has ever had any success with the Highlanders. 
  • Sharp tactical brain. 

CONS:

  • He is a New Zealander.
  • May decide to wait around for the All Blacks job.
  • Staying with the Cherry Blossoms, sadly, might actually be more desirable than the Wallabies job. 

(5) Alan Jones 

PROS

  • Has actually coached Wallabies before.
  • If your name is Isreal Folau you’re a chance to play again. 
  • Never short of an opinion.
  • Views on climate change mean the Wallabies will play in any weather.

CONS:

  • Loose Mouth
  • Will finish every coaches address/press conference with “I’m Alan Jones”
  • Isreal Folau will be captain. 
  • Assistant coaching panel of Ray Hadley and Steve Price won’t be of benefit of the team.
  • He may try to sing to the players and put them off their game.

It’s worth noting, that should Jones struggle as Wallabies coach – no one would be more pleased than his old on-air rival, John Laws.

(7) John Howard

PROS:

  • Wallabies were World Champions back when he was Prime Minister
  • Already has Wallabies tracksuit good to go.

CONS:

  • Can’t play or teach any sport to save his life as demonstrated by his bowling action
  • Simply just going for a morning walk is probably not the best training program to play International Rugby. 

(8) Gordon Bray

PROS

  • The golden voice of Rugby
  • Loves rugby
  • Knows a lot about Rugby
  • Seen a heap of Rugby
  • Just about every Rugby Moment you can remember probably involves Gordon Bray’s voice

CONS:

  • Coaching would prevent him from commentating matches…or would it?

(9) Nick “The Honey Badger” Cummins

PROS:

  • High Profile
  • Ex Wallaby 
  • Larkin Aussie
  • Actually is a Rugby Player despite many people knowing him as the bloke in the tradie underwear ad/Bachelor

 

CONS

  • If he can’t commit to a girl on The Bachelor, what hope do you have of him committing to making Aussie Rugby Great again? 

(10) Greg “Marto” Martin 

PROS:

  • Played Rugby
  • Good media performer
  • Blokey bloke. 
  • He’ll do 

CONS:

  •   The Wallabies have gone through as many coaches as he’s gone through co-hosts of his Brisbane breakfast radio show 

(11) Ross Lyon

PROS:

  • The defensiveness, grind and technicalities of Rugby would suit Ross Lyon’s style of AFL Game Plan to a tee and he could easily convert from one code to another. 
  • Ross is also in the market for a job

CONS:

  • Never played let alone watched Rugby (That we know of)
  • May result in Christmas party being cancelled.

(12) Wayne Bennett

PROS:

  • Proven Rugby League coach
  • Commands respect.
  • Love’s a Barbie at his joint. Excellent for team bonding.

CONS:

  •  Will coach out of spite for the Broncos. 

Also worth considering…

The All-Blacks

New Zealand has schooled Australia for a good part of 18 years. 

As the old saying goes, if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.