12 St.Kilda Coaching Candidates

With Alan Richardson calling it a day as Saints coach after five years it leaves the door open for a job vacancy down at Moorabbin.

Just who will take the job and who will be the right man to take the Saints to the ultimate glory? 

We’ve had the list of candidates and their pros and cons leaked to us and we present our list of 12 St.Kilda Coaching Candidates. 

(1) Brett Ratten 

PROS

  • Respected at the Club and industry in general 
  • Is now caretaker coach
  • Has been touted as “coach in waiting” at the club for a while.
  • Made Carlton sack him so they could hire Mick Malthouse 

CONS:

  • Damaged Goods. Was sacked by Carlton, therefore, can’t coach apparently. 
  • Will probably lead the Saints to five out of six wins at this stage in the season.

(2) Brad Scott 

PROS:

  • Did a pretty good job with North Melbourne
  • Is great for reaction GIFs
  • Like his brother, can get quite surly and angry and therefore is highly entertaining.
  • Will coach for food.
  • Wants to deck David King.

CONS:

  • Has just been recently sacked by North Melbourne
  • Coached North for a decade, no premiership cup (actually that’s a perfect fit for the Saints)
  • Is a Scott brother.
  • Responsible for the pre-finals bye by resting eight North players before the 2015 finals series. 

(3) Grant Thomas 

PROS

  • Hates the AFL.
  • Big on Twitter but follows no one.
  • Will want to finish the job after was sacked by the Saints in 2006
  • Will be anti-establishment.
  • Single handily ruined the pre-season cup with that Wizard Cup photo with Lenny Hayes in 2004. 
  • Doesn’t give two hoots what people think about it
  • Would be the first coach in history to coach via sending out Tweets. He wouldn’t need to even come into the club and could coach the Saints from home.

CONS:

  • Will do whatever he can to be sacked again. 

(4) Molly Meldrum 

PROS:

  • Is a die-hard lifelong Saints supporter
  • Aussie icon
  • Very marketable 
  • Is a former member of the Saints cheer squad.
  • Has Saints mural in front of his house 
  • Media-friendly – has always promoted St.Kilda from the days on Countdown and even fought on behalf of Nicky Winmar on the Sunday Footy Show back in 1993. 

 

 

CONS

  • The last thing Molly needs to focus on is getting anything, let alone a football team, up the ladder. 

(5) Ross Lyon 

PROS 

  • Is clearly St.Kilda’s best coach in the past 50 years after taking them to three losing Grand Finals
  • Is bored at Freo
  • Could do the dirty on the Dockers and go back to St.Kilda behind their back, like what he did when he went to Freo.

CONS:

  • Very good at knives in the back
  • Loves a “runner up” medal
  • Needs to be monitored by HR at the Christmas party.

 

(6) Malcolm Blight 

PROS

  • Promised St.Kilda “The Ride of your life” when appointed coach in 2001
  • Is Malcolm Blight
  • Can do things such as give the players a spray on the ground after the game, make them do a guard of honour to the opposition and publically call players “Pathetic” in interviews
  • Most remembered for the bright yellow jumper when he left Moorabbin after the Saints sacked him in 2001. 

 

CONS

  • Doesn’t give a “Rats Tossbag” about St.Kilda 

(7) Eric Bana 

PROS

  • Die-hard Saints fan
  • Promotes the Saints in movies
  • Could play multiple roles at the club (He’s an actor)

CONS

  • Can’t take him too seriously, people will just look at him at say “mate, you’re Podia from Full Frontal”
  • Has never played footy or coached any team. Probably not best for an entry-level position. 

(8) Robbo 

PROS:

  • Would fit in very easily with the “Party Boy” culture the Saints are known for
  • Saints Social Club at Moorabbin would return to glory days
  • Speaks passionately, you can tell his mood by how he waves his arms 
  • A big advocate for players training Tuesday/Thursday nights, play Saturday Arvo, Saints Disco post game and then pleasant Sunday mornings.

CONS:

  • He’ll bring in Gerrard and Mike Sheahan as assistant coaches.
  • Would leak stories about St.Kilda to himself. 

(9) Hutchy 

PROS:

  • Can sell ice to Eskimos
  • Has no hesitation in delisting players
  • SEN would turn into St.Kilda content 24/7
  • Footy Classified would be Saints Classified, 

CONS:

  • St.Kilda polo shirts would need to be bigger…for the extra sponsors 
  • St.Kilda would relocate to America.
  • St Kilda would be renamed “The St.Kilda Saints thanks to McCafe, Harvey Norman, Brighton BMW and the Moe Milk Bar.” 

(10) Bill Shorten 

 

PROS:

  • Knows how to do the numbers
  • Is a political animal
  • Has more spare time on his hands

CONS:

  • Lost the unlosable election…come to think of it, he’d be a perfect fit.

(11) James Hird 

PROS:

  • Essendon Fans love him #StandByHird 
  •  Loves to implement new, radical and exciting exercise and sports science regimes,. 
  • Legend of the game.
  • Give him another chance

CONS:

  • Just a little thing called the supplements scandal 

 

(12) Tom Browne 

PROS: 

  • Loves a good ratio on Twitter
  • Would be able to reveal who’s in the squad every week by going “I’m hearing Billings is going to play up forward this week.”
  • Already knows where the players live, socialise and what day their bins get picked up. 
  • Would speculate week in, week out if he is going to get sacked or not. 
  • One of the first to apply for the job.

CONS: 

  • Wouldn’t be on Channel 7 news anymor…hang on, that’s a con?
  • Would also leak stories to himself
  • Mans never touched a Sherrin in his life.